sameness

ryann reaches for particular toys when i set her down in her highchair.  those toys are familiar.  as is my face when i greet her every morning.  her smile speaks volumes of her having learned about what she has noticed.  slipping into a bit of a depression is a bit like noticing the familiar.  there is a level of comfort that is not totally unhealthy, for the familiarity with the numbness is structure in what is perhaps an ever changing reality.  hmmm…on second thought…that is not correct.  there is a level of comfort that is not totally unhealthy, for the familiarity with the numbness is structure in what is perhaps a sameness that lacks meaningfulness.  in those moments of  ‘unapparent’ meaningfulness, the sameness serves as both an autopilot that carries one through the experience, and as a source of hope in the permanency of one’s existence.  finding the meaningfulness in everything is the likely challenge.  modern gurus urge us to subscribe to mindfulness, or to live impeccably.  that makes every cotton picking thing i do heavy, perhaps burdensome.  what about keeping things light, frothy…what about whipping things up, more fluffy?  seems to me any human experience has meaning…one should not have to constantly dig deep to mindfully find the meaningfulness in only those things that supposedly have real meaning.  i just wiped a bit of what i thought was chocolate from my desk blotter…and, believing it chocolate, ate it.  but it tasted more like ink.  i remember what ink tastes like…i had been sucking on a bic pen when i was in 5th grade and got ink in my mouth.  the bit of morsel this morning tasted like the ink back in 5th grade.  it tasted the same.  i am sure there is meaning in both experiences.  i wonder if it is the same meaning