we can spend quite some time searching for the places in which we will fit.  be it a journey or a struggle, we sift through the encounters life provides trying to find those places in which we will fit.  some writers talk about it as if life is a puzzle and there is a perfect fit for each piece…each person.  we will be at peace when we find the right fit.  or so they say.  so says all the philosophers from the dawn of wise times.

i felt some chest pain today.  i doubt it was a physical condition.  oh, i might be a tad overweight (i would prefer to lose 15 lbs) but i am rather fit for my age…it’s likely due to restless energy which in my youth would have likely been diagnosed as attention deficit w/hyperactivity disorder (some day i will write more about making the cake saver on top of the refrigerator in my childhood homes rattle because of my constant twitching feet).  the chest pain was not a physical anomaly.  i think the chest pain was a condition of the situation i was in.

i am not sure how well i am fitting into the david i have become.  adjustments are likely needed.  perhaps it is true that it is best to change before i get changed.

some of my best memories of my father are rooted in his smoking.  from the two times he burned me in the head while leaning over me as i sat, to the time i stole one of cigarettes so brant and bryan and i could try smoking, to how his fall coat smelled when he would get home from a church meeting at night, and, best of all, how his car smelled in the middle of winter, before he lit up a new cigarette…the cold air and the left-over smoke from the day before…that is etched in my mind.  those are happy memories about my dad, though getting burned twice was a bit odd.

while out walking the dog this morning i caught my neighbor on the phone just inside her front door.  i waved.  she used to be a bit of a challenge when she was a teenager and living in the neighborhood.  now she is an adult with a kid and friendly and caring.  as i walked by her house i noticed her hand out the door…holding a cigarette.  that struck me as a bit curious…the steps we will take to engage in a behavior that may otherwise be unwelcomed.  i suspect her landlord has made the place smoke-free.  she is abiding by the rules and finding a way to still engage in behaviors she finds meaningful.

oh, i know some folk only think of smoking as an addiction.  i tend to perceive beyond an organism level and believe people engage in behaviors, even habitual or ‘addictive’ behaviors, because there is meaning in the behavior.  when the meaning fades the behaviors can fade.  i am well aware that there are other consequences to our behaviors that affect the meaning, but that concept of meaningfulness prevails.

and such is the issue of the current debate about smoking.  there are those who find meaning in both not smoking and the damage created by those who do smoke.  there are those who find meaning in smoking and the damage created by the attitudes and behaviors of those who seek to ban smoking.  there is not much dialogue at a meaningfulness level other than the emotions surrounding the argument.

i find meaningfulness in portions of my life that are still rooted in my father’s smoking.  i am certain he is not in heaven or hell based upon his smoking behavior, though some would argue such that i would believe it is that important (and this is similar to those folk who insist that anyone driving a suv is also engaging in behavior tantamount to human and earthly homicide).  i’ve been more interested in the whole person…the fuller meaning.

honestly, i really don’t care if the city of milwaukee places a ban on smoking.  oh, i may have my preferences, but those preferences will also guide my decisions.  i don’t typically spend a great deal of time in smoking areas.  i would if there was a purpose for such behavior.  if an establishment opts to be non-smoking that won’t be main reason i patronize the service…i’ll be looking for a bit more than that.  if an establishment opts to be a smoking environment, my patronage will be based upon the overall purpose of the services in which i may partake with my time and energy.

oh, i need to add, i have some excellent memories of one of my brothers and his lament to my dad about how the cigarette he was smoking was ruining an excellent breakfast meal prepared by my mom.

and, i have other memories of my father and my brother that have absolutely nothing to do with smoking

that’s what i believe.  and, as my brothers and i used to say when we were particularly confident in an argument: “put that in your smoke and pipe it”

there are always those people who just keep on coming at you.  i remember a guy in college.  he had an impairment due to a birth defect that withered his leg.  he was excellent at playing ping pong.  he returned everything…everything.  he relied on his defense.  and he never stopped.

there are always those people who just keep on coming at you.  not detouring from their mission.  tirelessly working it.  never giving up.

in my perception only violence has stopped these people.

i am waiting to see history unfold.

oddly, history does not stop…ever

ours is an unscrupulous world, in many ways

be safe